MARRIAGE-PHOBIA

When we were kids, most of us used to dream about happy marriage. Let’s say this happened because of the fairy tales? Prince and Princess get married and live happily ever after. That simple, that beautiful. However, I say most, because not all of us are so naive at our young ages. Some of us have understood about the fact, and they have another perspective that marriage is hell. Maybe they have seen enough from their parents that marriage is horrible. Marriage means fight, scream, scratch, hit, tears, bruise, or wound. Marriage means emotional pressure for them. Marriage is not as sweet as what they see and imagine.

Moreover, when we grow up, those perspectives can change. If we grow up in a happy Christ-centered family, with complete and harmonious parents, maybe we will still think that marriage means live happily ever after. But I believe that the ratio is 1:10. 1 Christ-centered family and 10 broken families. So, I will focus on those who live in the broken home. Broken home doesn’t always mean that our parents are divorced. They may still live together but they fight everyday, or they don’t talk to each other, or they talk but without love and affection. When serenity is not there. When marriage is not love anymore. It’s only responsibility, when they think that they are too tired to fix anything, so just let it be, just live this life like this. The family that looks fine outside, but cracked inside. These conditions influence the children’s thought and feeling. They may become worried and fearful.

I myself also come from a broken home. My dad has left me and my mom since when I was 7 years old. At that time I didn’t understand anything. I didn’t know that my mom had to struggle alone for me. I had seen and experienced the example of broken marriage. I hated coward irresponsible men. I hated those men who only marry women to satisfy their lusts. I hated those men who like cheating, yelling, and treating their wives badly. I’m still grateful because my mom didn’t need to face that awful physical treatment, but when I was growing up I saw that many women suffer for it. I hated men. 

The weird thing is: Despite this fact, I still want to get married. I always dream of beautiful wedding party. I dream of a prince charming who will take me out of this situation. I still hope and believe that there will be a kind man out there who will make me happy. But sometimes I doubted it. I saw many marriages and it made me anxious. None of them are good enough. No man is good enough. Why are they cheating? Why are they lying? Why are they yelling? Why are they flirting? Maybe there is no such a good man in this world. Maybe no matter how good he is, later after we get married he will change, just like the others. Maybe after I get older, my husband won’t love me anymore. Maybe he will look for other women, just like most men do. Maybe when we face financial problem, we will fight everyday. How when we raise our children? Maybe our opinions will contradict each other and we will fight again.

These were the thoughts before I knew Christ. Now, when I know Him, I know that ONE, a happy marriage still exists. That is the Chris-centered marriage. TWO, the prince charming will come, because Christ is a King, so His child must be a prince. Haha. This prince charming God has prepared and will send is someone who lives in Him, is led by the Holy Spirit, and loves Him more than me. He is not perfect. He may still have bad characters just like me, but he will be changed by God, become more Christ-like day by day. THREE, that prince charming won’t take me out from any bad situation. Jesus did. Jesus took me out and liberated me. So I am waiting for him in an awesome situation now where Christ puts me. These are His promises, and I will have to wait faithfully.

However, maybe a lot of people still doubt, because marriage doesn’t seem that easy. Yes it is not that easy, but it’s not impossible. There are still many of us who are afraid of marriage, because of seeing their parents who fight, or treat each other coldly. They even think, if marriage only causes suffering, maybe they shouldn’t get married. Well, marriage is a choice. If we want to focus serving God, then it is okay if we don’t get married like Apostle Paul. But if we want to get married, then don’t be afraid. Live in Him and pray, God will give us the best man He has prepared for us. Live a Christ-centered marriage. Have you ever seen a Christ-centered marriage becomes broken? No, I never and will not ever. It won’t happen, because when Christ is the center, we are automatically led by Holy Spirit. Christ-centered here means a marriage that begins with holiness, where the husband and wife maintain personal relationship with Christ, live in Him and He is in them, built by the Word of God, led by Holy Spirit in every aspect of their life, and unite their hearts in the altar of prayer together.

So, here I don’t say that we will never fight at all. Of course as human we can misunderstand each other; we still can feel disappointed to each other. Sometimes we can be selfish towards our spouse; sometimes we become too sensitive, sometimes we think he or she doesn’t understand us. It makes us fight. But even the best friends fight! I and one of my BFFs, call her Tempe, we also fight and we even don’t live together! She is in Samarinda and I am in Jakarta. Hahaha. When we fought, we could utter sharp words toward each other, what came from our hearts. We blamed each other. I blamed her for being too loud, she blamed me for being too sensitive. She said, “We’ve been friends for 10 years and you’ve known that I am like this.” I said, “We’ve been friends for 10 years and you’ve known that you can’t be like that.” Hehe. Sounds funny now. Well but one thing that we know, even though we are fighting we still love each other. I can feel that. When I spoke what I felt and she spoke what she felt, my heart kept saying, “You know you love her, you know you don’t want to lose her. Just say sorry. It’s no one’s fault.” VOILA. She apologized. I apologized. Problem’s solved. Self-introspection began.

See? Even after decades maybe we still can’t understand our spouse completely. We will always learn something new about his or her heart. We may find out that our spouse’ habits are annoying. We will still make mistake and hurt. Intentionally or unintentionally. We just need Christ to overcome those problems. We communicate. We forgive. We love. We learn. We accept. We give. We sacrifice. We commit.

When we have a Christ-centered marriage, the common problems faced by married people will not become our problems. For example, money. Maybe 50% husband and wife fight because of money. Money makes someone depressed. It ruins our moods. It makes us stressed out. But as the children of the King, money won’t ruin our marriage. We learn that blessing comes from God abundantly, and that money is not something worth to worry for as long as we have Christ. Nothing in this world is worth to worry if we live in Christ.

Another big problem, cheating. 70% marriages collapse because of cheating, or when our physical appearances are not attractive anymore, our spouses can easily leave us. Without Christ, it will be so easy for men to be seduced. It will be so easy to ignite the jealousy fire in women’s hearts. They will fight and argue again, maybe because of over suspicion, unsecure feeling, and so on and so forth.  But because of Christ, we are secure. We surrender our spouses into His mighty hand, and we believe that He will protect us from the snares. His Holy Spirit will keep igniting the fire of love in our marriage.

How about children? It can be source of problems, too. Well actually there are many problems that have to be faced by marriage couple, but I only mention the most common ones. Many couples don’t have the same opinion about how to raise their children. It contradicts each other and makes their children confused. They even fight and argue in front of their children. It’s not good at all. Later their children will grow up without respect towards their parents. Husband and wife should pray together and ask God to lead them how to raise their children. They should discuss and agree to lean on the Word of God and wisdom of Holy Spirit.

So, those are some discussions about how marriage won’t be horrible if we place Christ as the center. We husband and wife will become more Christ-like day by day. We will be given wisdom and strength to overcome problems occurred in our marriage life. We will bear fruit of Spirit. I hope this explanation can reduce and remove our fear and anxiety about marriage. One thing we should know, if we think that sweetness of love only happens when we are dating, but after marriage only the responsibility remains, then we are wrong. Marriage is love and commitment. Marriage in Christ, the older the sweeter, just like wine. That’s why in the wedding feast in Cana, they had abundant wine. Christ is sweet, and the marriage in Him will be sweet, too.

Nah, how to get those promises? Be faithful and obedient. Listen to what He says, do not rush, do not lust. While we are waiting, live in Him faithfully, let Him transform us to be more Christ-like day by day. We don’t expect a good husband if we are a bad wife, right? We want him to come from God, but we also have to “come from God” for him. We want him to be led by Holy Spirit, so we have to be led by Holy Spirit. We want him to listen to the Word of God, then we also have to do so. If God gives us a very patient husband, it doesn’t mean that we can keep our selfishness, we have to change too. These days, if we haven’t met him, it means God gives us time to prepare ourselves. Stop worrying; we just waste our time if we are worried. As long as we walk in Him faithfully and obediently, He will perform what He promises.

Start praying for that Christ-centered marriage since now. Start praying for our future spouse since now, that God will protect him or her, that he or she will stay holy until we meet and are bound in a holy matrimony. Why it is called HOLY matrimony, because it’s supposed to be HOLY. Do not play in our youth. Do not try something dangerous for our future. We will have to face the consequences after married. Of course we don’t want it, right? Then keep the holiness until God unites and blesses us in a marriage commitment.

"Waiting is not easy but worth doing. To get the best, you must wait. If you are patient, you will get the first and the last lover in your life."~Mam Anik, my lovely godmother. 

I also write about Waiting for a Perfect Man? Feel free to read ^^

P.S. You can download "Eight Principles of a Christ-centered Marriage HERE

You can also read "Christ Centered Marriage" by Charles Mylander & Neil T. Anderson
I haven't read it yet, please tell me how great it is!

P.P.S. Thank you Tempe for our sharing that inspired me to write this. ^^