He asks me, "What happened?"
Then I say, "I need someone to talk to, someone visible God, someone who can console me by hugs and words."
He says gently, "But that someone didn't die for you at the cross, I am the one who did. And what am I doing right now? Isn't it called speaking? I'm talking to you and I give you words to think about."
Me say, "Err, yeah, right. But you've known what I wanna talk. It'll only spend my energy to repeat. Actually I also have no energy to talk to anybody, I'm too tired of this."
He answers, "That's why I'm the best choice, you even don't need to open your mouth while talking to Me. We can talk with heart, you know, heart by heart, like what Father and Daughter usually do."
Me: "Hmm.. I don't think it's a good idea."
Him: "It sounds like a good idea for Me, anyway, if later you change your mind, just call Me, you know where and when you can find me, right? It's anytime and anywhere."
When nobody can walk with me,
He tells me, "Let's go!"
I ask, "Where?"
He answers, "To everywhere, through darkness I'll be your light, through sorrow I'll be Your joy, through burdens I'll be your shield, through weakness I'll be your strength, see? I'm able to accompany you to go everywhere."
When I feel like alone,
He says, "I'm here"
I asks, "Where? I can't see You."
He says, "You can feel Me."
Me: "Err, not either. I can neither feel You nor see You."
Him: "Here, inside your heart. Can't you feel your heart is beating? I give you life from My death. Can you feel that you are breathing? It's the spirit of God that I whiffed for you. Every breath and every beat of your heart, I can feel it, how can you don't feel Me? You can't see the pearl inside a shell, it's invisible yet exists. You only can see it after you open it, then open your heart and you can see Me."
When I doubt who I am,
You answer,"You are my precious."
When I'm not sure and start thinking nobody loves me,
He says, "I died for you. Why did I want to suffer that much if I didn't love you? Do you want to see how much I love you? Look at my hands. It's where the nails were punctured into my hands to be crucified. To bring the salvation to all of you, my precious incomparable lambs. What on heaven is the reason for Me doing this unless I love you so much?"
Then I get on my knees and crying,
"I'm sorry God, when I'm disappointed with human I'm also disappointed with You. When You want to talk, I run. When You want to comfort me, I don't let you do. When You knock into my door, I lock it with extra padlocks."
He says, "Tee Hee, I know, and I have extra keys also you know, to open them all, but I didn't do it, because I am a Father. I don't wanna crash the gate into My daughter's room. I want you to let me in, because you know, "Okay Dad, I need You, please come in." Because I am gentle, dear."
And I crying even harder, "Okay Dad, come in, I'm extremely need You and I will always need You, because both of us know I'm nothing without You. I'm sorry for ignoring Your words and being so stubborn these three days. I'm sorry for being a bad daughter and I'm sorry for everything.."
He says, "Have you ever met a father who doesn't forgive his daughter? Well, even if you ever met ones, that won't be Me. Here, use my shoulder to cry on."
O Jesus, O my Lord, what am I without You?
-Jakarta, July 2nd 2010
Notes:
Maybe some of you were confused about my status these days, and I just wanna explain that I was not okay at that time, indeed. I don't sweat small stuffs, believe me, but when it has reached the limit of what I can stand, I will be extremely down, and that's what I feel for the moments. I won't explain what my problems are, because I'm sure nobody wants to know either, tee hee.
But these problems are deadly enough to kill my spirit and trust. This is the biggest disappointment I ever suffer in my whole life, and these three days depression and ignorance shows me how hard He'd tried to call me back. He is the Lord, King of the King, He is God, He is in the highest glory, but He never stops to call us, wait for us to open our heart. I can't understand why He wants to do it, you know, waiting and knocking, calling and answering patiently, but as He has said, He won't do that if He doesn't love us that much.
SO, I've been thinking for these three days, that He won't take my depression for granted, and YEAH He doesn't. He gives me inspiration to write this. I won't ever write this if I didn't experience these three days depression. It is my first what-so-called depression, anyway. :D
Yeah, and this thing answers one more: Everything happens for reasons, and Depression happens for the stronger relationship with Him as well. I hope later if anybody feels the same as what I feel, when we think we can't feel the presence of God in our life, or He doesn't show up, you know, sometimes I hope He will be just popping up and hugging me and telling me that everything is okay. Well, we know He's not like that, yeah, when we feel alone and nobody to talk to, HEY! There's Him waving there, there, inside our heart, waiting for us to open the door and tell Him everything, and He will give us the best solution of any best-friend can ever do.
P.S Thank to my friends who had commented my desperate status and given some scripture and encouraging words, message me, text me, and wrote on my wall. You are the part of this note! :D
GOD BLESS US, ABUNDANTLY, EXTREMELY ABUNDANT! ^___^
Love,
Wig
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