Monday, August 18, 2014

I AM READY, I THINK, WAIT, I'M NOT SURE, WELL.



I just want to share how God guides my steps in the process of coming back had left me in awe. I was and am supposed to be fearless and faithful to have Him but why sometimes I still doubt. Yet, what's amazing is He never leaves us even when we doubt Him. Imagine this kinda conversation that comes up between us human:

A: Hey, don't worry I will solve it for you.
B: Really? How could you do that? It's impossible.
A: Yeah I can do that, just leave it to me.
B: But I don't think you can. Tell me how, can I really trust you?
A: I said I'm going to take care of this, just lay back.
B: But it's hard. Impossible. You sure? Oh, I don't think you can do this.
A: ARGGGGH WHATEVER DO IT YOURSELF!

Haha, we are so blessed that God is NOT like that, or screw us.

This shall be a reminder for myself, too. If one day I want to give up, I should not. If one day I doubt again, which I know I will.

So, after decided to go to Bible College, the next step was to prepare everything. I went to PBC and met the Dean of Study who gave me the form to fill in. I asked if I could use my TOEFL test result, and she thought I could. I was relieved because then I didn't need to take IELTS test which was expensive, and difficult. My TOEFL result was equal to IELTS 7.5 but I knew if I took the IELTS test itself I might not get high score since it's so different from TOEFL, much more complex. 

So time passed by and four weeks before leaving Australia she told me that I couldn't use my TOEFL test, so I should quickly sign up for IELTS test. The problem was, usually they close the registration two weeks before the date if their seats are full already. I needed to take the test as soon as possible because the result would come out two weeks after. After googling here and there, all institutions had closed their registrations, but I found IDP in City still have seats for June 7, 2014. I thought, ah this one was good, it's the quickest available. It costed me 330 AUD, for Dogai sake.

Then I had two weeks to prepare for my test. I borrowed IELTS books from my friend. Trying to study but so many distractions, which mostly happened because of my irresponsible laziness and procrastination habit. I thought I still had tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, until the night before my speaking test on Tuesday, I practiced with my cousin and totally messed up. Haha. I was so nervous on that day Speaking test was held. They recorded us, so they could listen again and assessed really accurately. 

There were three parts in Speaking test, and the second part required us to speak non stop for 2 minutes about one topic. My topic was: "Tell the story about family celebration, eg. wedding."

We had one minute to make plan, so I already planned to talk about my grandmother's funeral. Then two seconds before I started talking, I just thought again, "Is funeral a celebration? DANG! Maybe it's not! OH NO!!!" Then I changed my plan in one second and start talking about my cousin's wedding. Then after I stopped, the examiner said, "You still have time." I was completely blank, I didn't know what to say anymore. Then there's like 10 seconds pause, before I continued a bit and time's up. Huhu, I knew I messed up. Not forget to mention, I talked too casually, just like talking to people at church. "Yeah, you know, it was like, yeah, yeah, bla bla bla.." Haha. After finished, I just realized and thought, "Gee, what was I doing?"

The requirement for Master Degree is band 7 with one 6.5, so I was so worried. I planned to study well for listening, reading, and writing test which would be done on Saturday. But since I had to make the presentation for my church's mission trip, with a lot of revisions here and there, I couldn't study well, haha. I blamed my procrastination habit for this. 

What's worse? My friend was surprised when he knew I took the test at IDP. He said it's like the most difficult institution. Why among all institutions in Perth I had to choose that? We had one in North that's really easy, or at least other institutions, but why IDP? I said because I had no choice, all full booked, only IDP available haha. It made me worried more. Moreover the reading part, it;s so academic! With all those chemicals and science thing.

When I was doing the test, I was pretty sure with my listening and thank God there's no difficult passage for reading; it's just about historical and cultural thingy. But for writing I was not confident because I thought I presented the wrong idea. I could just pray and surrendered everything to God. Apparently, on June 20 which was 3 days before going home, I checked the result online. 

Unexpectedly and miraculously, I got overall band of 7.5, with 8 for Listening, 7.5 for Reading, 6.5 for Writing, and 7.5 for Speaking! IT WAS WEIRD HAHAHA. But I was soooooo happy!!! It was my last day working, too, and I was hanging out with my best friend celebrating the end of my one year journey, plus after I got home my cousin, his friend, and my uncle were drinking wine so we celebrated it with wine, too. Haha.

Then, I needed to meet the money requirement to apply for the visa. That's why I shared on previous post God is in My Tomorrow, that living with my cousin (Koko) had led to another testimony. How God had introduced me to him! First, I lived in his house and saved up my money for rent and food. Second, Koko helped me by providing financial support letter for my visa requirement. For Master Degree, I had to have 55.000 AUD, which of course I didn't have. So, he gave me his bank statement. I was so grateful that he wanted to help me, remembering that we just knew each other for four months.

Do you remember that I said I wanted to bring my mom here? Because I didn't want her to live alone there. I know money can't make my mom happy. There's no point I send a lot of money to her, because she will not use it anyway. She just wants to be with me, and so do I. So I expected to apply for tourist visa for my mom, maybe they would give three months for the first time. Or maybe I should just come back as a student first, then invited her over. I was so confused, because if I came first, then how could my mom come here alone? I should picked her up again, which would cost a lot of money, right?

Then all of a sudden, my another cousin (jie-jie) who lives in Sydney contacted me on Facebook. We hadn't contacted each other for long time because she deactivated her Facebook. So, she messaged me and asked what would I do after this. I said I wanted to study, and she said that's good, have you sent money to your mom, don't forget your mom, etc. So I said, I wouldn't forget my mom, I wanted to bring her here with me. Jie-jie said, "Oh, you should try to write a letter to immigration, stating that your mom is a single parent and you are the only child, who knows they give you one year visa instead of three months." Then she explained a lot and I asked her, "Jie-jie, how do you know everything about visa?" She said, "Because now I am working as migration and education agent." WOW! ISN'T GOD AWESOME? HE SENT ME A FREE AGENT TO HELP ME!

So I asked Koko again, could I change the letter a bit, stating that he would financially support my mom also. We discussed about this and he signed the new letter. Actually when typing this I am so joyful, remembering how God has provided these people to help me. I was so worried if my visa got rejected. Or my mom's visa. But my godmom tried to convince me, "If this is God's will, then He will make it happen. If not, then God has a better plan for you." So yeah, I went back to Indonesia, and tried to look for an agent to help me with this student visa application. But I ended up applying by myself, which was pretty simple, just like when I applied for my work and holiday visa.

Thank God I applied on June 30 after getting my Confirmation of Enrollment. The officer told me if I applied the next day, July 1, the price would increase significantly. Hahaha. God's timing.

Then I joined my church's mission trip in Kediri for a week, and on 9th day after my application, my mom's tourist visa was granted, and guess what?

She got THREE YEARS tourist visa. She still has to leave the country every three months, tho. But it's even better than I imagined. Three years! So I don't need to re-apply again every three months or one year, which will save me a lot of money! Praise God!

On 11th day, it's my turn to have my visa granted. We praise God for His kindness, and for giving me chance to bring my mom to Australia. It means a lot to her.

So, we were ready to go. We booked our tickets. We packed everything we needed to bring. Unfortunately we couldn't bring Dogai. #tearful

Oh, were we really ready to go? Hmm, yes? Were we ready to walk in faith? No. Suddenly I trembled again, a week before departure.

I talked to my godmom again on BBM, that my money is only enough for one year tuition fee. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how illogical it is to study Master for three years.

My godmom said, "Oh, again?" Haha. So here's the long advice:
"If God knows you can't make it, He will not open your way to this point. Even your cousin (another one in my Bachelor Degree's testimony) said this is a miracle. Miracle means it's not your own strength, but it's God's hand working. You think it's not enough because you can only work 20 hours per week, but God's blessings do not depend on your wages only. If you keep saying negative things, you will be weak. Nothing will be in vain if you walk with God. Every step in our lives is in God's plan if we pray and lean on God. If you doubt, it means you think God doesn't know what He is doing. If only you know who God is. God bless you in many ways. Maybe you feel that your faith is so shallow, but it's okay as long as you want to lean on God. By walking with God you will see His providence and accompaniment, and your faith will grow. Don't be shy that your faith is not strong, everyone starts from zero. That's why I said this is a privilege, because you can have the chance to have a growing faith. You just need to be grateful for what you are facing. You said before that it's just like a dream, you could pass the IELTS test although you didn't prepare well, you got your visa granted because someone wanted to help you, you can even bring your mom with you. You are afraid of the uncertainty of your future, but God is more than our parents. Parents will never play on their children's future. Moreover God, He will never do that. You said you are teary now? I am drenched already. Because I can see how God loves you abundantly, while you are still lazy to pray, but He still loves you this much. Now you have to learn to walk by faith not by sight. It all starts with the first step of faith, which is not easy and seems impossible. But if you love God and trust Him, He will make miracles."
Long, hey? Haha. I was so teary because I was sad and ashamed. I have walked with Him during these five years and He has shown how faithful He is, is that not enough? I said sorry to my godmom for doing this AGAIN (I had done this several times before), and she said, "Don't worry, believe me you will come to me again like this in a very short time. This is part of the process, as long as you keep going, don't be afraid to step forward."

So yeah, after the enlightenment and encouragement I felt ready then. 

Uh-oh, but three days before departure, I got an email from my campus saying that there's no unit available for me. So where am I and mommy going to live?



Sunday, August 17, 2014

AM I READY TO WALK THIS JOURNEY OF FAITH?

I've had many tears and sorrows,
I've had questions for tomorrow,
there's been times I didn't know right from wrong.
But in every situation,
God gave me blessed consolation,
that my trials come only to make me strong.

I thank God for the mountains,
and I thank Him for the valleys,
I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.
For if I'd never had a problem,
I wouldn't know God could solve them,
I'd never know what faith in God could do.

Andrae Crouch


This is a very good song, Through It All, click the link to listen to the song, and his testimony, too. I first heard this song on one Sunday morning at church and I felt that this song is so me (and I believe it applies to you as well). I love its simple-yet-so-true lyric and also peaceful melody. This was exactly what I felt at that time when I was in work and holiday visa, how through all the problems and sorrows He let me learn to trust Him and depend on Him alone. 

Apparently when I was about to go back to my country, my godmother posted this song to Facebook and wrote:
"Sending this beautiful song for my goddaughter on her last day of full time work in Perth. Thanking God for the privilege of being the witness of how God has been carrying her through all her journey so far, especially this last miraculous eleven months. Praying and exciting for the next level of her journey in faith to be a blessed strong woman in God who would be inspiring and blessing many others. Love you & proud of you sweet bunny. This song came across my mind when thinking & praying for you and I can see that this song is just exactly like your journey through this year."
Hahaha. It's amazing, while I never told her how I felt about this song. So yeah, she gave this song to me also as a reminder for my next journey, which I'm going to share here. If last year I was walking my journey of patience, now I am walking my journey of faith.


So, yeah. It all started when I was still in my work and holiday visa last year. Discussing about the future, my godmother suggested me to come back and study and bring my mom with me. Sounds tempting, and I always dreamed to pursue my education to Master Degree. It's a silly dream actually for someone like me, who managed to graduate from my Bachelor Degree only by miraculous grace of God. But I really wanted to study more and I thought I would need scholarship to make it come true.

If I had to pay everything by myself, I wouldn't afford it for sure! And as a Chinese descendant, I never thought spending money on education is better investment than business. Yes, I do have that chance to earn money in Australia before, but why would I spend my earned-with-sweat-tears-and-blood-money for studying? Wasn't it wiser to start a business and see how money grows on the tree?

I also didn't know what I wanted to learn. I was always interested in humanity, but selfishly I was also attracted to art, fashion, and travelling thingy.

I also questioned God why I failed in three scholarship programs that I applied and thought maybe I am not qualified enough for the scholarship. Or does God have another plan for me? 

When my godmother mentioned about Bible College, hmm.. I didn't think I had that divine calling. I always imagined when someone decides to become a preacher he will be called directly like how God called Moses or Paul. "Hey Martina, come and study Theology, I want you to preach the gospel bla bla bla." So I was not sure. Since high school I always say I want to serve Him, but I also always believe that serving God doesn't require someone to study Theology (even until now).

These were some reasons (or excuses) why I was not sure to go to Bible College:

  1. I want to serve God but I don't want to preach verbally. I prefer writing, drawing, or sharing my testimony. I just don't feel I have talent in public speaking. 
  2. I'm afraid of what people think. I don't want to face that question; Why do you go to Bible College? Do you want to become a pastor? I'm afraid they will think I am crazy, illogical. I'm afraid they will think I am not good enough to go there. Or later after I start studying and I still sin, people will think, "She goes to Bible College but she's still like that."
  3. I don't know what kind of job I will do later after graduation. 
  4. I don't have enough money. Actually I don't have enough money to study whatever the major is. Hahaha.
  5. How if it's not God's calling?
And yeah, I was also not sure to come back here and part of my mind just wanted to stay in Indonesia, my comfort zone. I wanted to stay with mommy. I didn't want to live separated from mommy again because it's torturing me and her as well. In addition, if I wanted to study here, it means that I have to work hard again! Oh no! My beautiful nails! 

But... I also had that strong desire to come back and live here. I always wanted to live abroad. 

I struggled with this for approximately seven months, and started thinking and annoying my godmom four months before going back. I had that moment when I said "Okay, I'm going to study," then, "Okay, I've decided I'm going back to my country!" like several times. I know my godmom was ready to kill me. Haha. So, I presented all those excuses to her.

Slowly, God answered all my excuses, which become the reasons why I finally decided to go to Bible College:


One.

Yes, I can serve God in many ways, but through these several years after graduated from my Bachelor Degree I just found out and realized that I have a heart in mission. I do love travelling and going to new places. I love languages and cultures. I feel most alive when helping people and sharing their joy and sadness. I feel that they are rich, their experiences and what they have faced in this life also make me really rich. I know that doing mission trips needs money, too, haha, but I'm just not that type of person who likes working in the office from nine to five. 

My cousin said I should have a map for my life. What I want to do and how I am going to do that. At least, if you want to hike and you have the map, there's still a possibility to reach the top, but if I don't have the map, how am I going to ever arrive? That makes sense, hey? 

So, during those months of struggling and praying, I tried to see where God is leading me and draw my map, with what He has put into my heart. I want to learn more about God and Bible, be involved in many mission trips around the world, and write Christian books. Somehow when my church played a video about Amy Carmichael I felt like being reassured. But I will still surrender everything into God's hand.

Two.

So, yeah, I do face all the questions I was afraid of. Many, many people asked why did I choose Bible College? Do I want to be a preacher? I tried to answer as honest as I could, but you know my verbal explanation is never as good as the written one haha. 

The good news was I didn't feel afraid anymore. I had known what I wanted to do in my life, and witnessing how faithful God is has made me come to this decision. At first, I was afraid of becoming a stumbling stone, because I was sure I would still sin and make mistakes and hurt people even if I have Master of Theology degree. But, that's the point, isn't it? If I am good enough then I don't need Christ. The fact that I need Christ's salvation and continuous grace shows that I am a sinner, and no matter how many times I read my Bible I can't avoid the fact that I might still displease someone with my sinful flesh. Why should it become a barrier to learn deeper about God's words?

Three.

I also didn't know what I would do after studying English Literature before, yet God gave me the best job and experience at FremantleMedia. One thing for sure, I want to work in His field (Oh, but how about my nails? Haha).

Four.

So this is my condition. The money I saved up from working 11 months here is only enough to pay my one year tuition fee, not including living cost. Which logically, if I work part time here during my study, it will be only enough to support my living (plus my mom). I only can work 20 hours per week. Then how am I going to pay for my second and third year? Even to survive my first year I have to work hard. Honestly, I already calculated it months ago, and I knew, based on my calculation it wouldn't be enough. But I also knew, that my calculation is human's calculation, which is limited, and God calculates better than me. And one thing for sure, if I used my human calculation before, I would never graduate from my Bachelor Degree, as I shared my testimony here: Mommy, I've Graduated for He is Faithful.

Oh yeah, and my godmom always said that God will provide. If it's God's will, it's God's bill. If I do something that's after God's heart, why should I worry? Nah, the problem was I didn't know whether this was God's will or not, which leads to the next reason.

Five.

As I have said before, I didn't feel like having that divine calling. I just thought I was interested in learning God's words further, because they are so beautiful, and I am into literature, right? Haha. So I am not sure if this is what God really wants. How if I cluelessly sign up for Bible College and in the middle of the road I don't have money to pay because it's just simply a mistake?

Then I got the answer from my godmom, "If you have good desire in your heart, do you think it comes from you? No, it's God who puts the desire. Even if you don't believe in God, any good intention never comes from human. If you want to study at Bible College and serve God, do you think it's because you are kind? No, it's because God is kind."


Soooo yeah, after all these things I came to the point where I decided to come back as a student and study at PBC. The weird thing was, one month before going back to my country, I was designing a flyer for our church's mission trip and I searched for an email from my godmom. Actually the email she sent to me was just a week away, so I could just scroll down. But I don't know why I typed her name in search column, which actually took longer. Then, as a result few emails appeared, including an email from me to her, written four years ago. It was in 2010, even I haven't graduated from my Bachelor Degree. And I didn't know why but I was really curious and I clicked to read it. Apparently I said this:
"Mam, there's one thing I want to ask you. I want to be a fashion designer, but I also want to serve God. But I don't know how, where, in what field, etc. I also want to go to Bible College. So now I don't know what should I pursue?"
Hahaha. I was so shocked. I completely forgot that I had that desire to go to Bible College four years ago. I thought after graduated I was so overwhelmed with worldly thingy (scapegoating again!) so the desire was buried deep down at the very bottom of my heart hahaha. I took this as another confirmation then.

to be continued...

Click this link to read.


Monday, August 11, 2014

GOD IS IN MY TOMORROW


I would like to share another testimony about God's providence during my one year journey in Australia. Remember when I was jobless for almost two months? I shared the story here: The Test that Turns into Testimony. So, after quitting my job at Karrinyup Shopping Centre (read Farewell Airlite), I had to find another job for the rest four months until my time to go home (that's when my visa expired).

As I already knew that looking for job was not easy, I started applying here and there since one month before my last day at Karrinyup, and intensely two weeks before. This time, I was more confident because I had experience and I got this 'Employee of the Month' certificate. But still, I got no response at all until my last day working! Haha. Uh-oh, I panic.

Let me jump to another story before I continue. 

I used to live in Doubleview when I was working in Karrinyup (northern suburbs). It was really close like 30 minutes walk or 5 minutes bus ride. As I said in the previous testimony, I was so grateful that I got a job near my house. So since my visa only allowed me to work up to 6 months for one employer, I knew that my last day working in Karrinyup would be February 28th. But in January my roommate told me that I had to find another house because her previous roommate would come back from farm. I was so sad because living in that house was near and cheap. I also liked my housemates. I was confused where should I move to, because I still had to work there for one month. I also had night shift so I couldn't live too far because the transportation would be difficult. 

I was pretty stressful during the hunting time. It's so hard to find a suitable room with suitable price and location. I questioned God why He let this happen. Now. Why not after I quit my job. Why. Why. Why. Yeah, I know if I were God I would be like super annoyed with this kind of attitude haha.


Days passed and finally I had to move out on January 18. I met this lovely couple, Karl the husband is from Hungary and his wife Angelina is from Vietnam. They have two dogs, a German Shepherd called Tashi and a Labrador named Tulip. It's been such a blessing to live with them, can't describe it in words. I thanked God for letting me know these people (and dogs). Their house is 40 minutes walking to the shopping centre, but Karl always dropped me and picked me up every time he's available.

However, since I rented one room for myself, I knew I couldn't afford it for long term so I decided to move to South and share a room with my friend (half price cheaper). Actually I liked living in North and I planned after quitting my job in Karrinyup I would look for jobs in North again. But since this happened, I changed my mind and planned to move to South after the end of February.

Then, on January 30 which was Chinese New Year Eve, my second cousin invited me for reunion dinner in his parents' house. He is my cousin from my grandfather and we never knew each other before for 23 years of my life, because he and his family live in Singapore. I just knew him since end of 2011 when my grandmother passed away and he came to the funeral. His parents (which are my uncle and aunt) sometimes come to Perth and I just knew my other cousins there (his elder & younger brothers) who live in Perth. 

So, few days after the reunion dinner, my aunt called me to ask if I wanted to earn more money by cleaning her house and another aunt's house on weekends. They live in South (the suburbs called Winthrop and Kardinya). So on Saturday I went to their house. One day when driving me back to North, my aunt asked what's my plan after I finished my job in Karrinyup. I said I would move to South because I would share a room with my friend and it's cheaper. Then my aunt said, "If you want, you can live in our house, because we have rooms and only Koko (my cousin) lives there. You can save your money because you don't need to pay for rent."

Wow it was like the best thing I even dare not to imagine. As you know, the biggest expense to live here is the expensive rent, which can cost you 150 to 200 AUD per week, or 100 if you share a room. So it was such a blessing and I was really grateful for that offer. I was not close to them because I just met them twice since I came to Perth (they mostly in Singapore) and I even just met my cousin (the youngest of three) for the first time on that Chinese New Year Eve. How generous they are! I just realized that I was asked to move out from Doubleview because God had another better plan for me. So yeah, I told them I would move to their house in the beginning of March after finishing my job in Karrinyup.

Okay, then let's jump back to where we were before.

I was on my last day working and wondering what should I do after this, couldn't imagine myself being jobless again. Pushing my trolley and thinking, "How if I am jobless again for one month or two months? I can't save money and instead have to keep spending, then how can I save up for school? Or maybe I just go home? So I will not come back to study. God, do you want me to go home and stay in Indonesia?" I was pretty worried too since I only had four months left. Who would want to employ someone who could only work for four months?

At that time, I was still in dilemma whether to come back as a student or not.

Then as I continued working, I had quick farewell with my workmates, too, since they finished at different times. When I was taking picture with my workmate, Joy, a food court staff from Indian food stall asked, "Why are you taking pic together?" Then Joy explained, "This is her last day working because of her visa." 

After that, I continued cleaning the toilet and this Indian lady met me there. She was about to go home and she asked me, "Where will you work after this? Are you still looking for job? My husband is a cleaning supervisor and he is looking for a staff." I thought, oh, if it's in North then it would be difficult since I was about to move to South. So I asked her where, and she said, "It's near Murdoch University." My heart jolted in joy, and I answered immediately, "That's near my house! Yes I want it!" Apparently her husband was outside, picking her up, so she introduced me directly and I gave him my phone number, he said he would talk to his manager and called me.

I was in awe for the rest of the day and thinking, "God, I still haven't known the result yet but let this be another testimony!"

So yeah, in March I moved to my cousin's house and on Wednesday I went to Kardinya Shopping Centre to meet the manager, He interviewed me and introduced me to the Centre Manager, then asked me to come for training on Monday. Yay! I got a job! In a miraculous way! It's only 10 minutes bus ride from my cousin's house. And my Centre Manager was really nice! I worked there until the end of my journey when I had to go back to Indonesia.

ISN'T JESUS CHRIST AWESOME? 

Also, living with my cousin has led to another testimony. Click this link to read.

"What God starts,
He finishes.
Where God guides,
He provides.
And where God leads,
He meets our needs."
Rick Warren